Monday, December 17, 2012

If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth!

The problem with the world is simple - people are liars. Straight out the box pull my draws down and kiss my ass liars. We should say what we mean because me mean it. Not because its what the other person wants us to hear. Why must we continue to portray ourselves as something that we're clearly not? I just don't get it...

There's a company that offers free business cards. People order the cards and make up a title to put on it just to get the free cards. Why? Ain't nobody thinking about yo' dumb ass like that! Get over yourself fool! Pretending as a child with imaginary friends is fine - pretending as an adult with grown folk will get your ass beat, stomped and talked about for the idiot that you're pretending to be.

I know you're asking yourself why all the hostility. I mean, we're more than waist deep in the season to love thy neighbor, right? Well, if you know me then you know childcare has ALWAYS been an issue. People are not reliable, they want millionaire money or they're simply lazy. There is a solution for every problem - stop relying on the wrong people; family included.

There are websites that list reliable people. Reliable I say because the people listed on the website chose to place themselves there. No one asked for their services - they volunteered without hesitation. Okay, here's a quick rundown -

1 Checked ol' girlie out and she seemed right for the job.
2.Background check completed - YAY no blemishes!
3.Ol' girlie met with me and my child - perfect match!
4. First child care date set
5. The day arrives - no call/no show
6. Huh?
7. No call/no show
8. What?
9. No call/no show

Now why would you advertise yourself and go through all the motions to say you're something you're not? If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth! Why? Oh, let me make a small correction. Sending a text is the thing to do these days, so after I placed a call to her when she was 15 minutes late and the call went dead, she sent a text.

"I'm runimg a little late I been trying to contact yu all day I cam only txt I broke my phone"

Uh, yea, everybody can't spell but what the hail? A good 16 hours had preceded us without a call or text. Really? Heffa...

My anger comes from the fact that Dasia had gotten two bowls of popcorn ready and two Capri Sun juices so they could begin their movie watching marathon. Standing me up - fine. Standing up my child? Oh, yo' ass is about'ta catch a serious yo name is Toby beatin'!

The night ended well because a reliable sitter came at the last minute in her place. Alas, the popcorn was not wasted after all. But look a-here, if you say you're a Hairdresser be a Hairdresser. Don't have people coming to you and all you can do is one style from the 80's. If you say you're a Dentist, be a Dentist  Don't get down with yours Doctor Giggles style. If you say you're a Publicist, Promoter, Marketer, Agent, blah, blah, blah - be it dammit! Bragging that you have a Facebook page...mutha'&%$#% alot of people have a Facebook  page. Who cares about your wanna be insignificant ass?

The people that are making it happen are making it happen. Riding coattails, running your mouth, and trying to live like the Jones's is old and tired. Besides, the Jones's went bankrupt. We say you are what you eat. Some folks must eat a daily dose of shit. We're on the tip on a New Year. Resolve to do better. Resolve to be better. Talking loud and saying nothing is so over. Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me, If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth. No what were you saying?

I luv you

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Holiday Party Advice!

  1. If you’re the office single sexy woman don’t bother going to the party. You’ll start out being the single man’s ho and by the end of the night they’ll have a price tag on you.
  2. If you’re the office bow wow Betty go! You might get a pity dance.
  3. If your spouse/partner is a recovering alcoholic go alone.  Free liquor equals relapse.
  4. If you never speak to a certain person you work with don’t start at the party. Tis ain’t the season for an awkward friendship.
  5. Do not stand over the food table and eat. Make a plate and go sit down – don’t look like a pig at a trough.
  6. If an email invite or flyers were given out about the party and you didn't get one…don’t ask. There is always one person who isn't liked in the office – welcome to your life.
  7. If you don’t drink don’t try anything just because it’s the party. Ho…Ho…Ho…
  8. Don’t ask your boss for a raise during the festivities. Happy New Year ain’t so happy with a pink slip…
  9. Stay in your role. If you’re the mail clerk or the receptionist don’t try to get in with the higher ups. You are equal to no one.
  10. If you can’t dance don’t. You’ll still be a fool the next day.
  11. If you've been losing weight to wear a special outfit don’t wear it. They’ll smile in your face and call you a fatass doink behind your back.
  12. If you say, "I love you, man!" Go home! You’re drunk and you will NEVER redeem yourself.
  13. Don't take alot of food home. Being labeled The Office Greedy Bastard isn't good for a promotion.
  14. Don't suggest games to play or Karaoke. No points for being the office kiss ass will be awarded.
  15. If someone starts choking don't try to save them. Call 911 immediately! If they die it's your fault - if they live, they'll get tired of thanking you throughout the year and will find a way to get yo ass fired.

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Last week media mogul Wendy Williams, or some may beg to differ and say Wendell Williams, made a rude comment that R&B singer Beyonce talks like she has a 5th grade education. Hmmmm...does her opinion say that there's something wrong with having a 5th grade education? Wasn't there a show called Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader where most of the adults weren't? Uh, exactly what were you saying, Wendy?

My daughter is in the 4th grade and comes home with math problems that I have to think about a few times before coming to the correct answer. Who does Albegra in the 4th grade? Hell, I don't use Algebra in my adult life. Does that mean I have a 3rd grade education?

A few websites posted Wendy's opinion which led to many other opinions, which led to mine. One person agreed with Wendy and added Beyonce can't talk and you can tell by her dumb song lyrics with all the OOOO's and grunting noises. Huh?

If song lyrics are any indication of intelligence most singers must be ig'nant.

Alicia Keyes -
No One - Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhh....
Girl On Fire - Oooooooooh, oooooooooh, ooooooooh, ooooooooh....

Lenny Williams -
Cause I  Love You - Ohh, ooohhh, oooohh, ooooohh...

Michael Jackson -
Wanna Be Starting Something - ma ma se , ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa...('-')

Gina Thompson/Missy Elliot -
The Things You Do  - Pizzzow, Gomer be my Pyle like Sha-zam...hee hee hee hee how hee hee hee hee hee hee how...('-')

Gangnam Style - Eh- sexy lady...oppan gang namseutayil o-oo-o...WTH? ('-')

Okay, I gotta stop or else this post will be labeled to be continued. I know Wendy Williams is a talker and a gossip lover. Why this particular comment from here irritated me so much I don't know. I do watch her show at times and applaud her for being successful in a tough business  Maybe it's because I'm a talker and I know that everybody doesn't speak well in public.  Folks get nervous. Yea Beyonce gets on stage and gets it IN, but maybe she has issues articulating things one on one. She didn't have any problem articulating to Jay Z. I don't see a problem there at all - just ask Blue Ivy. She dayum sure didn't have a problem articulating anything to Pepsi. 50 Million Dollars? Yea, that girl is definitely running her world!

The average 5th grader knows technology much better than I do.  They're honest with their words having not yet been tarnished by adults who are out for self so walk over your fellow man. If talking like a 5th grader will get  me a Grammy, millions of records sold, a hard working man and a future that I can't begin to comprehend because its so magnificent than in the words of Biz Markie, so go up your nose with a finger or two, and pull out one or a crusty crew...Pickin' Boogers...('-')

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Wendy, girl, how you doin'?

I luv you

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Watch Out TV Land!

I was the guest host on The New 16, a local channel here in Albany NY. I didn't realize how cute I look on TV and took a few pictures! I might have to re-think my choice of a radio career - I don't want the world to hear my voice and miss out on all the rest of Miss Luv!

Kelly and Michael better watch out - Jim Steele and Miss Luv are coming for you!

I luv you