Crayola Crayons Anyone?

My middle name is Denise so my family calls me Niecy and my brother's name is Ronald.

Being the youngest I naturally fell victim to my brother's dumb ass plans. No matter what he said, I did. I felt I had to be loyal to him, seeing he had more experience on this earth with my parents than I had. Trusting that he'd never steer me wrong kept my young ears alert to whatever he told me to do.

My loyalties to him changed after the Crayola Crayon incident. We were playing in our room when he came up with the stupid idea that should I stick crayons up my nose. "Wow, that sounds like fun, Ronny," were my innocent childlike words in return. I began with longer crayons, sticking one up each nostril, and graduated down to shorter crayons, laughing and hopping around the room the entire time. In the middle of my jumping around like an idiotic kaleidoscope my mother called for us to come down for dinner," 

My brother ran out of the room. He left me without  bothering to see the end of my show. Food is definitely the way to a man's heart and it begins with childhood. I couldn't move until I took the crayons out of my nose. Although I thought idiotic kaleidoscope was worthy of an opening night on Broadway, somehow I also thought my mother wouldn't be as amused. I hurriedly pushed my six year old fingers up my nostrils to retrieve the short crayons, one came out with ease but the other one wanted an encore. I frantically grasped and instead of pulling it out, I pushed it farther up. It was a  wrap for my six year old composure then. Terror screams filled our house as I blared my young lungs to their full capacity.

"Niecy! What the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass down here now!" 

The form I chose to panic in pissed my father off, and with the way he gave butt whoopin's, there was no way I was moving. I hopped around with bulging eyes trying to get the crayon out of my nose, but my efforts were to no avail. Hearing my father summon me again made my brother come back into the room, grab my hand, and drag me down the stairs kicking and screaming all the way.

"Alice! Get the tweezers! The chile done stuck crayons up her nose!" were the next words that came from my father as he flipped me over his lap while trying to contain my flailing body.

"Hold still dammit! Hold still!"
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

I'm lucky he didn't decide to shake them loose instead. My mother held my forehead and arms while my father used the technique of a brain surgeon. My nose is wide, but damn, it's that wide? It can hold a crayon, tweezers and snot?  We all were in a panic, but my father removed the crayons and finished with the one statement that hurt my heart. 

"Throw all of them gotdamn crayons out! I don't ever want to see another crayon in this house!" 

A child without crayons? How can that be? No crayons? Tragic! I sobbed in silence as I watched my mother throw my entire collection of broken and tattered crayons away. My father meant what he said, too. He NEVER bought me a box of crayons again. In school I went hard with the crayons, knowing that I wouldn't get to smell or feel them for at least 24 hours. The weekends were brutal. Drawing stick people in pencil is torture I tell ya! Pure torture!

When I was thirteen I sat at the table and did a homework project using colored pencils. My father approached with irritated wonderment and asked the one question I wished I could give him a positive answer to.

"Them ain't no crayons are they?"
"No, Daddy. These are colored pencils."

My father was serious about the no crayon declaration. He squeezed my shoulder, smiled and walked away. I guess he thought if I was still sticking crayons up my nose at thirteen it would only be a matter of time before I tried the hard stuff. Erasers and rubber cement would surely clog my big ass nostrils.

To this very day I have an undying love for a new box of Crayola Crayons. I love the colors, the smell, and can't wait until I can fill up a coloring book. Purple, blue and red...ahhhh, I luv ya crayon! Dasia has 3 boxes that she hasn't touched yet. I hope I'm not a crayon junkie. Crayola Crayons anyone?

I luv you

Random Luv

1. So what Ambercrombie and Fitch does not make clothes for your fatass.  Everythang ain't for everybody.

2. Exactly what does heavily pregnant mean? One day or 9 months fat does not make a difference - yo' ass is gonna have a baby.

3. Dennis Rodman.

4. Folks talking about stuff you don't want to hear nor care about. Nobody asked  - shut up.

5. Why did my cousin Erica bite me on the cheek when I was one? She was supposed to hug me - not bite me. I'm still mad about that.

6. Aretha Franklin's titties. You betta think...think...think about what you're tryin' to do to me.

7. When will the sequel to Forrest Gump be made? I have to find out if Forrest knew Bill Clinton did not have sex with that woman.

8. Dr. Drew should star in a reality show called Child Support Rehab. On second thought, maybe not.

9. Halitosis, chapped lips and trying to pick up women do not go hand in hand.

10. The Billboard Music Awards should always have Tracy Morgan as the host.

11. Bristol Palin should play Jodi Arias in a Lifetime Movie.

12.Going to jail and finding God after you've received a life sentence is a good thing.

13. Celebrities who cry when they get eliminated from reality show competitions are stupid. You really aren't that special after all.

14. Narcissistic people need Jesus.

15. Slim fat, medium fat and fat fat = fat girl in remission.

16. I can't believe that I had sex with you and said I liked it.

17. Number 16 made me throw up.

18. Pinterest is Pin the Tail on the Donkey for adults.

19. Kanye and Kim will get married, have 3 more children and live happily ever after.

20. OJ Simpson does the most with the least and we let him.

21. I love Flip Flops

Maddycakes Muse

22.No one is that busy. I mean, really, you're that busy?

23. Can you start over with a clean slate?

24. Your style never goes out of style.

25.Telling someone to fuck off instantly lowers your blood pressure.

26. To be continued...

Thank You!

Thank you to everyone that came out and supported my first comedy show, Luv's Laughing Ladies! I told yah'll a whole lotta people need a little luv! Now ya butt cheeks are all tight 'cause you missed the first show aren't they? Shame! Keep up with me and stay in the know about all things Miss Luv! Awwwwww, baby!

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Who's that laaaaaaadyyyyy...who's that lady, SEXY laaaaaaadyyyy...^_~

I luv you

Lunch Bag Letdown

Moat parents want whats best for their children. That usually includes wanting them to have better than we did. Food, clothing, opportunities and so much more fall under this category. I never had diamonds or pearls, but the one thing I never lacked growing up was food. Snack food to be exact. No wonder I'm a fatass, but I digress. I don't remember ever being hungry at home or at school. We always had a cake that my mother baked, homemade cookies or something from the grocery store. My parents made sure I had various snack food at home to feast on and in school.  My lunches were either the free school lunch or whatever goodies I packed into a brown paper bag that day. Even the free school lunch had cookies that could be added to it for a small fee. $0.05 for a peanut butter cookie? Ahhhhh, the memories

I remember buying every snack food that wasn't around when I was growing up for my oldest daughter, Diana. That's what my parents did for me. I didn't bother to ask if she liked it, either. It didn't exist when I was a child, it looked good, so she was getting it regardless. I'm still mad about the time she finally told me that she didn't like Glazed Honey Buns and had been throwing them in the garbage. An individually wrapped Honey Bun and you don't like it? In the 1970's  Honey Buns were a treat that could only be obtained when visiting a bakery and you have one just for you and don't like it? Rise up if you're a single mama and wanted to slap your child for wasting food! That's money! It's hard out here for a pimp on the really real real real! Anyway, I found out what she liked and stopped buying food so she could simply have it. Making sure your child isn't hungry throughout the day is a 40 hour workweek task within itself. After all, no one wants to be hungry at school and have to sit and think about the good snacks that await you at home. Torture, I tell ya - pure torture!

I'm on my 2nd go around now with my daughter, Dasia. I've learned not to buy snacks because I want her to have it, but foods that she enjoys. If I'm buying it for her, its for her. I don't eat her school snacks nor do I expect any of her classmates to touch them.  Sure kids swap treats but to TAKE a treat and not have a goodie to give in return is grounds for getting your ass beat rawhide style. Every once in a while I'll ask Dasia did she eat her lunch and what did she have. Gotta make sure my baby ain't starving. Well,  beast mode  consumed me when I heard her response.

"No, I didn't eat that."
"Why?"
"'Cause Jamir took it."
"What? What do you mean he TOOK it? TOOK it when?"
"When were in lunch he took it."
"Does his mother pack him a lunch or does he eat the school lunch."
"He eats the school lunch."
"Tomorrow you tell him that your mother said he can't have your lunch. Tell him to ask his mother to send a snack for his his lunch."

Dasia nodded and went back to being a 9 year old. She was probably upset that Jamir TOOK her Rice Krispy Treat, but not to the point to tell on him. Well I was upset. You don't TAKE anything that doesn't belong to you. You ask and if you're told no shut yo' ass all the way up. Dasia doesn't have a bust yo' ass mouth like her mama, so I know he TOOK it. Various thoughts ran through my mind. Should I call the teacher and tell her to corral Jamir...should I wait for him after school and give him the "I'mma git dat ass glare...should I do a lunchroom drive by and let him know I know what he needs to know and he should know not to TAKE things again? Once I calmed down I thought maybe Jamir's family were trying to get by like most of us are. Maybe they didn't put emphasis on making sure their child had a treat for lunch, but that he simply had lunch. Maybe they're doing to best they can and a Rice Krispy Treat wasn't in the budget. By the way a box of 12 were buy one get one free. I love a sale. I want to kick his ass for TAKING her snack. I don't want to be in jail and my claim to fame is whopping a 9 year old boys ass. There is nothing correct about that.

When I say its hard out here for a pimp that includes single mothers, fathers, families - the world. Trying to keep clothes on a growing child, food, daily supplies - life is a challenging joy. I've come to far to complain. I'm gonna Tweet Michelle Obama and tell her to hurry up with the school lunch program.  When a lunch snack becomes the equivalent of a Benz to a Yugo something is definitely wrong. Taking my baby's treat...

We want our children to do what they're supposed to do - not what hunger forces them to do. I don't know if he TOOK (I'm still a little tight about it but I'll get over it) it out of hunger, or if he thought it was better than what he had. It's sad that a child should suffer through lunch bag letdown and take food regardless of the reason. Minimum wage can't afford minimum food - we gotta do better.

A Letter to My Ex Lover

Dear Fatass,

I know your hungry and shit, but I can't continue to feed you. I simply cannot afford you financially or physically anymore. You eat to damn much! Just greedy for no reason! Really, Fatass, why do you think you have to eat everything in sight? Ridiculous...

Every time I turn around you're plotting and planning about what food to shove into my mouth. So what something is buy one get one free? Do I really have to eat it? And there is no way in hell that I'll ever starve to death. Do you think people believe you when you say that? Oh, and before you continue with the thought of starting a petition because the see thru thong bikni doesn't come in your size - you don't even like looking at your ass naked. Why pass on the pain? Fighting for Civil Rights...you have the right to keep dat ass covered.

Why do you keep hanging around anyway? Yeah, I like Pound Cake...oh yes I love Milky Way bars...uh-huh I can get it in with ribs, too, but see, there you go. Messin' with my mind. Your problem isn't even about eating healthy; its about eating in moderation. Not a fatass' moderation, either.

You ask why I'm angry with you? I can't believe you asked me that! Aight...going into McDonald's and stating that you want one of everything on the menu...ordering ice cream, licking it as soon as you get it and complaining that they gave you to much...eating the fry off the counter that fell from the tray and saying, "I paid for it", while looking around with a stank attitude is too much. Telling people you feel bloated and then getting an attitude when people give you the Lying Fatass Look. The times you make me eat right before I go to bed so I won't get hungry in my sleep - straight fatass with no chaser.

Listen, I'm not trying to come across angry at you at all. I mean, you've been my constant friend throughout it all. I'm sure you'll try hard to be my main squeeze once again but I gotta move on. I'm to young and pretty to be a fat polly wog. Sexy Chubby, Sexy Slob, Sexy Chunky...uhm, naw...can't do it. If you see me walking down the street...a cupcake crosses my eye...makes me wanna speak.. walk on byyyyyyy...just walk on byyyyyyyyy....

And the journey continues^_~

Weight Loss Tips for Ya Fatass...

If you're trying to lose weight and do any of the ten things listed below, you are a true fatass. Cutting out all listed behavior will reduce your waistline and plump up your wallet a bit. And if you got hungry looking at the pictures...fatass.

10. If you dream about food and start choking in your sleep.


9. If your meals are planned out for the year with snacks included...fatass.

8. When crumbs fall in your mustache or beard - women included, you save them for later.

7.Instead of washing food stains out of your clothes you lick them clean.

6.You have a strategic plan to eat the leftovers from other people's plate.

5. Your dinner table looks like a all you can eat buffet every night.

4. You knock an 85 year old lady over trying to get the last truffle on the plate.

3.You go out to eat by yourself and tell people its date night with  Mac (and Cheese) Salisbury(Steak)

2. You make biscuit and gravy cookies.

1. Instead of praying you start singing, "Memories....like the corners of my mind...", "And IIIIIIIIIIII, will     always love yoooooooou...", "I like big butts and I cannot lie..." fatass

VOTE for Luv's Laughing Lady!

Local comedian Jennifer McMullen and one of Luv's Laughing Ladies was recently featured in the local paper the Times Union. She is also a front runner in the Joan Knows Comedy Contest. Please read about my very funny friend and VOTE for her! She's doing big things!

And don't forget to BUY your tickets to the April 20th 8pm show at the Albany Airport Hotel! $10! Food and Drink Specials! The Everyday Living Raffle and a whole lot of FUNNY! I have tickets so hit a sista up! Luv's Delivery is at your service!

Joan Knows Comedy Contest - Jennifer McMullen

Jennifer McMullen in the Times Union