Thursday, June 10, 2010

Wherever He Is



Wherever He Is, he is. He is everywhere and so is he. I believe, so I am with Him and we are always together. I miss my daddy. But when you believe in Him it’s alright. I believe – I’m alright.

So why the doubt? Why do I refuse to understand? Why do I have to remind myself to step out on faith? Faith, belief…Lawd help me. Should you believe what you can’t see or touch? Should you believe what you feel? I believe what I feel. Faith.

Death. Death to me equals disappearing without a trace. How is that possible? My father was here. He held me, he talked to me, he laughed with me, he loved me and now he’s gone. The trace is memories. No one can disappear without a trace. There is something there, but maybe we haven’t seen it yet. When he first passed away I couldn’t remember anything. All the dreams I had were jumbled and he was never in them. Now I see him clearly – my trace is abundant.

Confusion. Confusion equals chaos, which leads to fear. We fear the unknown. Do you believe what you don’t know? Faith; just hold on to faith.

It was good to go back to Florida and talk to my daddy. A weird thought came to me. I felt I could dig deep in the dirt and open his casket so he would see me. STOOPID. I got a grip and just talked. I talk to him a lot, but talking in person always outweighs distance. I know he heard me. He hears me each and every time. I wonder will I see him again. When we die do we change? Do we forget? Do we still love and remember who we left behind? When I die will I see him? Will he want to see me? I believe. I’m still his babygirl, so the answer is yes.

Doubt always gets on my nerves. It thinks it can shut me down since I don’t have my captain here giving me pep talks. Faith beats doubt all the time; straight flush, gin rummy, go fish. Whatever you choose to play, choose faith as your teammate - you’ll never lose.

I took a picture of his headstone to see his name. I traced it and cried. My Doobah said, “Hey, that’s my last name. He has the same last name as me.” Thank God for shades. He was here, he is here. We say no more pain or suffering and that’s what I lean towards. My daddy was sick. I didn’t want him to be sick. We say that’s The Master’s Plan. Believe that His Plans never fail. Pain ceases, hurt subsides, but memories last forever.

I feel good….better. If I only have two dollars in my pocket I can make it. Yah’ll can help a sista by going to my website…Anyway…

Wherever He Is, he is. I believe, so he is always with me.

I love you daddy.

2 comments:

JJ Michael said...

Wanda,
It is always good to express your grief and share it with others so they too can grow. But know that your dad is fine and is one of your guardian protectors in Heaven. You're a blessed child, and he would be very proud of you.
JJ

djm said...

That was one of the most beautiful expressions I've read in a while, and it helps me, one who's also still grieving, immensely. Thank you for your fine writing.