Monday, February 23, 2009

Working Depression, Please Fire Me

My daddy died today. Well, actually he died June 4th, 2008, but each day is the same for me. Now I lay me down to sleep doesn’t work. When I close my eyes I see my daddy lying in his coffin. I know he is not going to get up, so the vision never changes. My mornings are identical; I wake up tired and want to stay in the bed until. If I didn’t have to “live” I wouldn’t. Routine – open my eyes and listen to my mind complain, get Dasia ready, take her to school, and go to work and “function.” Thank God for Dasia. Monday through Friday I remain under my sheets until I’m late enough for work - not enough for my boss to complain, but enough for me to fuss as to why I continue to fall into the late schedule. People lose their jobs everyday, but my working depression won’t fire me.

I’ll settle for a layoff if it’s long term and the position won’t call me back. I can’t shake this. One minute anger is my best friend, the next hate, and I try to reason with it all. Tolerating things that I paid no attention to previously burns holes into my soul. My mouth, oh, the words that can come from my mouth. My dreams tremble me. One night I had one about a basement full of rats. The setting was on a street that my family resided on when I was a child, but in a neighbor’s apartment. The rats crawled into the cement wall, the wall closed and all their tales fell off. The next one I can remember contained dogs, spit, singing and skin. Working depression, please fire me.

I don’t write anymore. I figured getting this out might help. Lying on a couch talking about my feelings would be a waste of time and money. I’d make myself late or not show up. The someone that I need to talk to is dead. The woman that raised my father said it would get better; she died less a month after my daddy did. What am I looking forward to?

Patience is invisible in my world, although I’m not as mean as I was a few months ago. That’s my opinion. I still like to blast certain people who say dumb things with no meaning. You can’t have an opinion about someone else’s opinion, but I don’t care. I’m talking shut them down and get out my face blast. Rude for Miss WandaLuv, but effective.

See, I had this multimillion-dollar empire planned for my family. The dream that my daddy chased all his life ran to me. Miss Luv’s Books was formed, NYC was the place where my astronomical comedy career would blossom - my father would lavish in it. He pushed me, he told me that I was still young and it took work. My daddy told me to keep at it. “Babygirl people work their whole lives to make it; you got plenty of time.” I wish I had enough time for him.

My prior life of hustling for it is somewhere. I don’t make any effort to develop the uniqueness that is I. In all honesty – I’m all fucked up. Just tired, angry and aggravated. Am I going to commit suicide? Hell naw, fool! My daddy would kill me! This is my attempt at getting back to the swing of things. Misery could care less about who it chooses for company.

On March 2nd I’ll be forty-three. Before June 4th I loved my birthday. I’d buy myself a present, go out or celebrate with friends. When I turned thirty I threw my own birthday party. What a vain heffa I was. This year I will think about how my daddy felt the day that I was born. He had something that was for him and still is his. I’ll get it together one day.

When will these weird dreams stop? Why do I wake up tired when I don’t dream? Why do I keep seeing him lying in that coffin? By the way, he was laid out in a gold-ish tan colored suit that matched the coffin. He was always a suit wearing well-dressed man. My father’s love of clothes, his laugh that I can still hear, and his voice. These are some of the things that I never want to forget. Do you forget?

I want to sell books and perform on stage. Book clubs need me to make their meetings exciting. Comedy shows need a little luv. My Blog Talk Radio Show – Wanda’s Way - was HOT. Wait for Love: A Black Girl’s Story, LuvMe, the book and the fragrance, and A Sheltered Life need me to make it. I need a stimulus plan custom designed for me.

How do you live with depression? It’s easy. Take a shower, go to work, go back home, take a shit, and go to bed. Plenty of us do it everyday. Many of us have been doing it for years. When distress happens in your life most of us call our mother. My mother doesn’t care to talk about my daddy. They were divorced after twenty-seven years of marriage. They both remarried, but she still brings up things that happened in 1970. The husband-wife relationship is totally different than the father-daughter one. The first person I called when I found about my daddy was her. She told me to be strong. She didn’t realize that she was talking to a baby and babies aren’t supposed to be strong. I don’t give a damn about her past and I guess she doesn’t care about my present. All fucked up.

A good job is challenging to find and to quit a job is idiotic, but one day I have to resign from this one. No unemployment for quitters, which would mean no Cheetos for Dasia…back to my first request. Working Depression, Please Fire Me.

I love you, Daddy.

Wanda D. Hudson
http://www.wandadhudson.com

9 comments:

Kiayaphd said...

Depression. Been there, done that; I have the t-shirt and a mug. And because I have a tendency to sink back into it, I work really hard to keep the demon sadness away, because once I am fully immersed it is really hard to recover.

One of the lessons I have learn and struggle to master is the best way to fight depression is to DO something. Depression tells you you're too tired or too this, or too that. Ignore it. DO SOMETHING. You need to act, not on your feelings but on your intent to recover.

I think you're off to a good start. You probably didn't FEEL like writing this post, but you did. You probably don't FEEL like going to work, but you are. Keep doing it. And take it from someone who's been there, it does get better.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my grandma, my most favoritest of people ;-), several years ago. The world just didn't seem to be the same place without her in it, but over time, I now think of her with joy and blessing for the time I had. The pain has dulled.

Erica N. Martin said...

Wanda, the world needs your comedic nature. Your bubbly personality, your never ending jokes. To read this blog brings me to tears. I feel cheated. I want to kick depression in it's ass for denying me the joy of your hearty laughter! I know that no words or cards can bring Daddy back but let me know what we need need to do to get our 'WandaLuv' back? In due time babygirl, it will all work itself out. In the meantime, we miss you girl!

Love ya!

Erica N. Martin

kwriter said...

Wanda,
I felt the same way in 2004 when my mom passed. After her funeral, I was never the same. I left my job, just left. I called and told them I would not be back, but I would come in and finalize everything on my desk. I sank so deep that I had no clue to what I was doing. I had to dig deep inside to find me. A week after my mom's funeral, I had a dream. She was standing at the foot of my bed asking me when was I going to finish my book.

I look back at that time and know that I only made it through with God's help. I can't tell you one single thing I did myself besides pray to get out of this depression. I can't even tell you the day it happened. But now, I can get out of bed, go to work (back at the same place that I walked out of in 2004) God had that planned. Somehow, whatever works for you will work for you to get you back to where you need. It may take your dad coming to you in a dream telling asking you what is taking you so long to do what you do best.

Claudia Brown-Mosley said...

Wanda,

This Claudia Mosley

When I first meet you, I said you are going to go along ways. You have the ability to make people laugh until they cry. You have a gift from God and it do stands out from the other. Continue to use that gift and move on because I know your father would want you to. Look at it this away

Your father is your guardian Angel and he has his wings around you for the protection. This is your time to hand over all your problems to God and let go. Make your father proud and continue what you have started.

Author Jessica "Lyric" Robinson said...

Wanda,
I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I just lost my mother suddenly 4 months ago and since it was such a shock to me her death completely rocked my world. I didnt eat, couldnt sleep, didnt want to talk to no one and I would rather sleep all day than go anywhere. I also lost my father to pancreatic cancer as well and I'm only 25 and believe me when I tell you...YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH DEPRESSION!It's not easy but it's attainable. It's a normanl thing to go through grief and we all experience it in different ways... you dont have to apologize to anyone about how you feel because you're being honest. I know exactly how you feel but listen to me you cannot quit the things you're doing in your life nor can you hold on to all of the anger because it will make you physically sick. I can't tell you that there's a time limit on the grieving process because there isnt , everyone deals and processes a loved one's death in their own time so you take all the time you need to get yourself together and if you need someone to talk to then you can definitely emailme because i know how it feels to be in a crowded room yet feel alone, i know what it feels like to experience a loss so great that you feel you have no on to talk to...please email me at songbird352000@yahoo.com and i'll give you my number.
God bless you my sister and i'm praying for you.

Jessica A. Robinson

Author, Nanette M. Buchanan said...

With tears in my eyes I think of your courage. Depression comes to all in different seasons, for different reasons. But for certain through it all there is a glow. A glow from within. Wanda you have one that has touched many and it is that glow that will lead you well past the feelings of despair. That's not to say that memories don't creep back and bring with them sadness, quiet moments and a feeling of what will you do without him. We all can speak of our depression and the cause, death, heartache, divorce, etc. But speaking about it means there's a glow....grasp it hold on and embrace it for it is the beauty of who you are. Your character shines and you lift others from their moments of depression. Keep moving, keep rising, keep on....we're listening. We see your glow

rajnilu said...

Dear Wanda,
I share your grief and appreciate the situation you are confronted with. You would agree that suggesting a rational approach to dissipate depression is easier, but becoming actually free from the stronghold of deep emotions of sorrow and anguish is very difficult.

Yet, it is not possible to diffuse emotions without understanding its nature and the underlying causes. We are often emotionally too dependent on others including our dear ones. Hence when they are no longer there or the relationship breaks up, we feel helpless and lost. Unfortunately, life and relationships are not permanent and immutable and hence we all go through sorrow and depression one time or the other.

Yes, our dear ones are most important to us as they add deeper meaning to our life, yet we have to question our emotional overdependence on them. That alone will give us strength to move along steadily and boldly to face our life.

I have written a book on how to tackle stress and depression and live life with emotional equilibrium, entitled, ‘ REWIRING THE BRAIN - Living without Stress and Anxiety through the Power of Consciousness”. I am not trying to sell it to you, but you may read 7-page excerpts on

http://rewiringthebrain.net/
http://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=39251

Best wishes
Rajnish Roy

Kimberly said...

Wanda,
I was told a while ago that God allows us to go through things, not so that we can (selfishly) learn a lesson, but so that we will be prepared to assist those who come to us in their time of 'need', and we'll be able to provide them exactly what they need.

Reading your missive, wrenched my heart and vexed my spirit. Why? I've been there, done that, got over it and I'm there again. I can say that I am truly blessed as I have not lost my mother, father or step-daddy (he raised me) yet, but I know that that time could happen at any time. On the other hand, I lost a child back in October and although I thought I had allowed that pain to pass - I realize now - thanks to you and your willingness to share - that the pain is still here...I've just been really good and shoving it back.

I too took my behind to work every day, wishing like hell that I could just say "forget it". But I didn't, because I had her siblings and her nephew to think about - so I kept on. The day finally came, back in Jan. 2009, when I just couldn't do it anymore. I went to work, came home, crawled in bed and couldn't force myself to get up the next day. So I called and told them that I was sick and would be back the following day...that day never came.

Told myself that I'm on the verge of depression and that I'm doing my damndest to fight it off. I now realize, that I've committed the greatest ill against my own self...I've been lying.

I am not ok! I still hurt! I'm in pain! In the past, I'd hear her favorite gospel song and I turn it off! I couldn't ignore it on Sunday and broke! Shed a few tears, told myself it was ok that I cried, wiped my face and lied. Told myself that I was ok and that this too shall pass - which it will - but not dealing with the issue at hand is causing me to spiral...

I thank you. Thank you for being obedient and for sharing your grief...your pain...your depression...all of that, so that I could acknowledge, accept and now prepare to change.

God Bless You My Sister - one whom I've never met. You've helped me decide that TODAY is the FIRST DAY of the REST of my LIFE!

- K.S.

P.S. I miss you Tiffany, more than you could ever know. Keep ma's spot warm up there in heaven baby. I'm coming, but just not yet!

Dr. Ni said...

"This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and I'm listening ......."

Girlfriend, make that appointment. Hell, make it with me; I'll show up at your apartment or home when you don't keep a therapy appointment. That's what my workshops are for: those who are stuck.

I will show up on a sista, especially a sista brave enough to call out when she need help.

Make that appointment and do what my therapist suggested years ago: make a list of four things. Just four. Only you know what needs to be on that list.

Do those four things. One by one, in order, whatever they are.

Then see how you feel. Action really is the best cure for depression. I know; I been there.

Love and blessings,

Dr. Ni