Baby Fat Q&A

Q - What is baby fat?
A- My scientific conclusion is a baby is simply a scrunched up adult, so what we call baby fat is just skin that hasn't had a chance to attach itself to a bone yet.
YR - You, know what, Wanda, that makes so much sense!

Q - How long can you have baby fat?
A - Well, I think since we never stop growing you can have baby fat your entire life. The fat hasn't latched on to a home yet and it just hangs around...and around...and around. So stop saying you have weight issues - it's baby fat! My kangaroo pouch that can't carry anything but extra weight - I love you!
YR - You, know what, Wanda, that makes so much sense!

Q - What about the fat that hangs from my arms? I can't get it toned or tightened up at all!
A - Have you ever saw a baby do push ups or lift weights? Some things aren't realistic. You have to train baby fat in its infancy to do what you want it to do. Now who in their right mind is going to make a little baby exercise?
YR - You, know what, Wanda, that makes so much sense!

Q - So what you're saying is this isn't fat, its baby fat?
A - YES! Your fatass isn't a fatass - its a baby fatass! Embrace it and love it! The next time my doctor says I need to lose weight I'm gonna slap him! Fool, this is baby fat! Get the &^%*)(($##@@ outta here with that!
YR - Wow...I'm gonna do that too! That makes so much sense!

Go forth and conquer wit'cha fat...oh, baby fatass'! Tight clothes, loose cleavage and buffets betta watch out! Oooooooooooowwww ^_~

And for the record baby fat is a beautiful thang!

Me and my girls, Dasia on the left and Diana on the right

Q - Question
A - Answer
YR - You're Right

A Sheltered Life

I was working on a book called, A Sheltered Life. It was so depressing that I put it on hold and began writing a comedy called, Dating Wanda. Why this particular piece came to mind I don't know, but I want to share it with you. It may have come to mind because a shift if going on in my life - a good shift, and I need to let some things and my anger towards some people go.

                                                        

My birth into this life was distressed.  I fell from the sky naked and smacked the pavement like a raw wet bird. My body was broken, damaged and beyond repair. No one in the smoking traffic stopped to come to my rescue. I felt as if I had to run through the world this way in order to survive. No one gave me a second look or a first for that matter. Trying to figure things out when you don’t know where to begin or end is haunting. You keep thinking your soul will take its last breath and save you, but it doesn’t. Being forced to live is dreadful. I want to pull my life’s cord and relieve me of my misery, but there is no cord, nor is there a map. There are no rules for me to follow. Asking myself what to do and how to do it is fruitless. Dead vines that intertwine and weave into a mound of choking fibers surround me. These fibers tighten, yet never do the deed.

“Adalee Johnson!”

The harsh voice startled me. I remembered where I was although I never forgot.  Invisible mystification.  It was spinning like an odium filled inferno.  Hot bewilderment that could smother me.

When I began to sweat I realized that I had given my soul to the devil. He burned me to a crisp and left my body emitting smoking rank embers for all to see and become repulsed by the smell. I turned to face him as I stood to ask why he had chosen me. Of course no creature was there. The devil doesn’t show himself as a horned red being. He comes to you in the form of your greed. It is when you desire something so much, or you think you do, without any regard to the consequences, is when he shows up.  Realizing that you have made a mistake only comes after you have suffered a little more than enough.

I wanted more money and more family. The family I had wasn’t good enough for me. Ray didn’t produce. I cursed Teddy before he was born and tried to destroy him as a baby. Favoritism consumed me when it came to Ray Jr. I thought Mama was a childcare provider for me, more so than a grandmother to my children. Greed for my selfish needs was my devil. I continually beckoned for him and he came. He came with a vengeance. The heat he peeled my skin with showed me.

Window three was a dingy piece of plastic that I could barely see through. A round sweaty woman who took short breaths and smacked and cracked gum looked up to look down again.

“You Adalee Johnson?”

“Yes.”

“Sign here. You can get on bus number four and it will take you to a motel a few blocks from here. Next!”

“Miss, wait.” I had questions. Please let her have my answers. “Where can I get something to eat? I need a change of clothing and supplies to wash with. I, I…I don’t have anything.”

“None of yah’ll that come here do. There are clothes and toiletries at the motel. The bus don’t leave til six, and dinner is served at four. Next!”

“But what do I do in the morning? I don’t have anywhere to go.”

Clearly aggravated the woman sighed. She looked at me and saw a walking lint ball that she couldn’t remove from her garment.  “The bus will bring you back here. You can get breakfast and then you wait to be interviewed. Next!”

The information she gave would have to suffice.  I believed if I asked her any more questions she’d have me arrested for caring about myself. It would seem that any kind of compassion for your own sake wasn’t allowed here.

I walked to the rear of the building to claim a seat in a room filled with people like me. If they thought I was someone who deserved their attention they were wrong. There were crying children, hungry babies, and faces that looked hollow. We loitered around and looked. There were men, women, and children – people standing, sitting and just looking.  Faces were sunken in from defeat. So many stories to be told to no one who cared to listen.  

Congratulations Mrs. Jill Davis!

My girlfriend Jill got married on Saturday May 25th. I didn't attend her wedding, but when I saw her picture I felt like I was there. My breath caught in my throat, my mouth hung open and tears fell. Look at her - beautiful! What is she thinking? My eyes well up and my heart fills with joy for her when I look at her picture.

I have so many thoughts about this picture. They pop up in my mind so fast and swirl like a beautiful rainbow that's attached to a energized pinwheel. I just can't get them out. I guess I'll keep them to myself and  let you entertain your own wonderful thoughts. Jill has shown me that love is a beautiful thang; that you cultivate it through all things, and keep on until...

I love you, Jill! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(^_^)

Crayola Crayons Anyone?

My middle name is Denise so my family calls me Niecy and my brother's name is Ronald.

Being the youngest I naturally fell victim to my brother's dumb ass plans. No matter what he said, I did. I felt I had to be loyal to him, seeing he had more experience on this earth with my parents than I had. Trusting that he'd never steer me wrong kept my young ears alert to whatever he told me to do.

My loyalties to him changed after the Crayola Crayon incident. We were playing in our room when he came up with the stupid idea that should I stick crayons up my nose. "Wow, that sounds like fun, Ronny," were my innocent childlike words in return. I began with longer crayons, sticking one up each nostril, and graduated down to shorter crayons, laughing and hopping around the room the entire time. In the middle of my jumping around like an idiotic kaleidoscope my mother called for us to come down for dinner," 

My brother ran out of the room. He left me without  bothering to see the end of my show. Food is definitely the way to a man's heart and it begins with childhood. I couldn't move until I took the crayons out of my nose. Although I thought idiotic kaleidoscope was worthy of an opening night on Broadway, somehow I also thought my mother wouldn't be as amused. I hurriedly pushed my six year old fingers up my nostrils to retrieve the short crayons, one came out with ease but the other one wanted an encore. I frantically grasped and instead of pulling it out, I pushed it farther up. It was a  wrap for my six year old composure then. Terror screams filled our house as I blared my young lungs to their full capacity.

"Niecy! What the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass down here now!" 

The form I chose to panic in pissed my father off, and with the way he gave butt whoopin's, there was no way I was moving. I hopped around with bulging eyes trying to get the crayon out of my nose, but my efforts were to no avail. Hearing my father summon me again made my brother come back into the room, grab my hand, and drag me down the stairs kicking and screaming all the way.

"Alice! Get the tweezers! The chile done stuck crayons up her nose!" were the next words that came from my father as he flipped me over his lap while trying to contain my flailing body.

"Hold still dammit! Hold still!"
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

I'm lucky he didn't decide to shake them loose instead. My mother held my forehead and arms while my father used the technique of a brain surgeon. My nose is wide, but damn, it's that wide? It can hold a crayon, tweezers and snot?  We all were in a panic, but my father removed the crayons and finished with the one statement that hurt my heart. 

"Throw all of them gotdamn crayons out! I don't ever want to see another crayon in this house!" 

A child without crayons? How can that be? No crayons? Tragic! I sobbed in silence as I watched my mother throw my entire collection of broken and tattered crayons away. My father meant what he said, too. He NEVER bought me a box of crayons again. In school I went hard with the crayons, knowing that I wouldn't get to smell or feel them for at least 24 hours. The weekends were brutal. Drawing stick people in pencil is torture I tell ya! Pure torture!

When I was thirteen I sat at the table and did a homework project using colored pencils. My father approached with irritated wonderment and asked the one question I wished I could give him a positive answer to.

"Them ain't no crayons are they?"
"No, Daddy. These are colored pencils."

My father was serious about the no crayon declaration. He squeezed my shoulder, smiled and walked away. I guess he thought if I was still sticking crayons up my nose at thirteen it would only be a matter of time before I tried the hard stuff. Erasers and rubber cement would surely clog my big ass nostrils.

To this very day I have an undying love for a new box of Crayola Crayons. I love the colors, the smell, and can't wait until I can fill up a coloring book. Purple, blue and red...ahhhh, I luv ya crayon! Dasia has 3 boxes that she hasn't touched yet. I hope I'm not a crayon junkie. Crayola Crayons anyone?

I luv you

Random Luv

1. So what Ambercrombie and Fitch does not make clothes for your fatass.  Everythang ain't for everybody.

2. Exactly what does heavily pregnant mean? One day or 9 months fat does not make a difference - yo' ass is gonna have a baby.

3. Dennis Rodman.

4. Folks talking about stuff you don't want to hear nor care about. Nobody asked  - shut up.

5. Why did my cousin Erica bite me on the cheek when I was one? She was supposed to hug me - not bite me. I'm still mad about that.

6. Aretha Franklin's titties. You betta think...think...think about what you're tryin' to do to me.

7. When will the sequel to Forrest Gump be made? I have to find out if Forrest knew Bill Clinton did not have sex with that woman.

8. Dr. Drew should star in a reality show called Child Support Rehab. On second thought, maybe not.

9. Halitosis, chapped lips and trying to pick up women do not go hand in hand.

10. The Billboard Music Awards should always have Tracy Morgan as the host.

11. Bristol Palin should play Jodi Arias in a Lifetime Movie.

12.Going to jail and finding God after you've received a life sentence is a good thing.

13. Celebrities who cry when they get eliminated from reality show competitions are stupid. You really aren't that special after all.

14. Narcissistic people need Jesus.

15. Slim fat, medium fat and fat fat = fat girl in remission.

16. I can't believe that I had sex with you and said I liked it.

17. Number 16 made me throw up.

18. Pinterest is Pin the Tail on the Donkey for adults.

19. Kanye and Kim will get married, have 3 more children and live happily ever after.

20. OJ Simpson does the most with the least and we let him.

21. I love Flip Flops

Maddycakes Muse

22.No one is that busy. I mean, really, you're that busy?

23. Can you start over with a clean slate?

24. Your style never goes out of style.

25.Telling someone to fuck off instantly lowers your blood pressure.

26. To be continued...

Thank You!

Thank you to everyone that came out and supported my first comedy show, Luv's Laughing Ladies! I told yah'll a whole lotta people need a little luv! Now ya butt cheeks are all tight 'cause you missed the first show aren't they? Shame! Keep up with me and stay in the know about all things Miss Luv! Awwwwww, baby!

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Who's that laaaaaaadyyyyy...who's that lady, SEXY laaaaaaadyyyy...^_~

I luv you

Lunch Bag Letdown

Moat parents want whats best for their children. That usually includes wanting them to have better than we did. Food, clothing, opportunities and so much more fall under this category. I never had diamonds or pearls, but the one thing I never lacked growing up was food. Snack food to be exact. No wonder I'm a fatass, but I digress. I don't remember ever being hungry at home or at school. We always had a cake that my mother baked, homemade cookies or something from the grocery store. My parents made sure I had various snack food at home to feast on and in school.  My lunches were either the free school lunch or whatever goodies I packed into a brown paper bag that day. Even the free school lunch had cookies that could be added to it for a small fee. $0.05 for a peanut butter cookie? Ahhhhh, the memories

I remember buying every snack food that wasn't around when I was growing up for my oldest daughter, Diana. That's what my parents did for me. I didn't bother to ask if she liked it, either. It didn't exist when I was a child, it looked good, so she was getting it regardless. I'm still mad about the time she finally told me that she didn't like Glazed Honey Buns and had been throwing them in the garbage. An individually wrapped Honey Bun and you don't like it? In the 1970's  Honey Buns were a treat that could only be obtained when visiting a bakery and you have one just for you and don't like it? Rise up if you're a single mama and wanted to slap your child for wasting food! That's money! It's hard out here for a pimp on the really real real real! Anyway, I found out what she liked and stopped buying food so she could simply have it. Making sure your child isn't hungry throughout the day is a 40 hour workweek task within itself. After all, no one wants to be hungry at school and have to sit and think about the good snacks that await you at home. Torture, I tell ya - pure torture!

I'm on my 2nd go around now with my daughter, Dasia. I've learned not to buy snacks because I want her to have it, but foods that she enjoys. If I'm buying it for her, its for her. I don't eat her school snacks nor do I expect any of her classmates to touch them.  Sure kids swap treats but to TAKE a treat and not have a goodie to give in return is grounds for getting your ass beat rawhide style. Every once in a while I'll ask Dasia did she eat her lunch and what did she have. Gotta make sure my baby ain't starving. Well,  beast mode  consumed me when I heard her response.

"No, I didn't eat that."
"Why?"
"'Cause Jamir took it."
"What? What do you mean he TOOK it? TOOK it when?"
"When were in lunch he took it."
"Does his mother pack him a lunch or does he eat the school lunch."
"He eats the school lunch."
"Tomorrow you tell him that your mother said he can't have your lunch. Tell him to ask his mother to send a snack for his his lunch."

Dasia nodded and went back to being a 9 year old. She was probably upset that Jamir TOOK her Rice Krispy Treat, but not to the point to tell on him. Well I was upset. You don't TAKE anything that doesn't belong to you. You ask and if you're told no shut yo' ass all the way up. Dasia doesn't have a bust yo' ass mouth like her mama, so I know he TOOK it. Various thoughts ran through my mind. Should I call the teacher and tell her to corral Jamir...should I wait for him after school and give him the "I'mma git dat ass glare...should I do a lunchroom drive by and let him know I know what he needs to know and he should know not to TAKE things again? Once I calmed down I thought maybe Jamir's family were trying to get by like most of us are. Maybe they didn't put emphasis on making sure their child had a treat for lunch, but that he simply had lunch. Maybe they're doing to best they can and a Rice Krispy Treat wasn't in the budget. By the way a box of 12 were buy one get one free. I love a sale. I want to kick his ass for TAKING her snack. I don't want to be in jail and my claim to fame is whopping a 9 year old boys ass. There is nothing correct about that.

When I say its hard out here for a pimp that includes single mothers, fathers, families - the world. Trying to keep clothes on a growing child, food, daily supplies - life is a challenging joy. I've come to far to complain. I'm gonna Tweet Michelle Obama and tell her to hurry up with the school lunch program.  When a lunch snack becomes the equivalent of a Benz to a Yugo something is definitely wrong. Taking my baby's treat...

We want our children to do what they're supposed to do - not what hunger forces them to do. I don't know if he TOOK (I'm still a little tight about it but I'll get over it) it out of hunger, or if he thought it was better than what he had. It's sad that a child should suffer through lunch bag letdown and take food regardless of the reason. Minimum wage can't afford minimum food - we gotta do better.

A Letter to My Ex Lover

Dear Fatass,

I know your hungry and shit, but I can't continue to feed you. I simply cannot afford you financially or physically anymore. You eat to damn much! Just greedy for no reason! Really, Fatass, why do you think you have to eat everything in sight? Ridiculous...

Every time I turn around you're plotting and planning about what food to shove into my mouth. So what something is buy one get one free? Do I really have to eat it? And there is no way in hell that I'll ever starve to death. Do you think people believe you when you say that? Oh, and before you continue with the thought of starting a petition because the see thru thong bikni doesn't come in your size - you don't even like looking at your ass naked. Why pass on the pain? Fighting for Civil Rights...you have the right to keep dat ass covered.

Why do you keep hanging around anyway? Yeah, I like Pound Cake...oh yes I love Milky Way bars...uh-huh I can get it in with ribs, too, but see, there you go. Messin' with my mind. Your problem isn't even about eating healthy; its about eating in moderation. Not a fatass' moderation, either.

You ask why I'm angry with you? I can't believe you asked me that! Aight...going into McDonald's and stating that you want one of everything on the menu...ordering ice cream, licking it as soon as you get it and complaining that they gave you to much...eating the fry off the counter that fell from the tray and saying, "I paid for it", while looking around with a stank attitude is too much. Telling people you feel bloated and then getting an attitude when people give you the Lying Fatass Look. The times you make me eat right before I go to bed so I won't get hungry in my sleep - straight fatass with no chaser.

Listen, I'm not trying to come across angry at you at all. I mean, you've been my constant friend throughout it all. I'm sure you'll try hard to be my main squeeze once again but I gotta move on. I'm to young and pretty to be a fat polly wog. Sexy Chubby, Sexy Slob, Sexy Chunky...uhm, naw...can't do it. If you see me walking down the street...a cupcake crosses my eye...makes me wanna speak.. walk on byyyyyyy...just walk on byyyyyyyyy....

And the journey continues^_~

Weight Loss Tips for Ya Fatass...

If you're trying to lose weight and do any of the ten things listed below, you are a true fatass. Cutting out all listed behavior will reduce your waistline and plump up your wallet a bit. And if you got hungry looking at the pictures...fatass.

10. If you dream about food and start choking in your sleep.


9. If your meals are planned out for the year with snacks included...fatass.

8. When crumbs fall in your mustache or beard - women included, you save them for later.

7.Instead of washing food stains out of your clothes you lick them clean.

6.You have a strategic plan to eat the leftovers from other people's plate.

5. Your dinner table looks like a all you can eat buffet every night.

4. You knock an 85 year old lady over trying to get the last truffle on the plate.

3.You go out to eat by yourself and tell people its date night with  Mac (and Cheese) Salisbury(Steak)

2. You make biscuit and gravy cookies.

1. Instead of praying you start singing, "Memories....like the corners of my mind...", "And IIIIIIIIIIII, will     always love yoooooooou...", "I like big butts and I cannot lie..." fatass

VOTE for Luv's Laughing Lady!

Local comedian Jennifer McMullen and one of Luv's Laughing Ladies was recently featured in the local paper the Times Union. She is also a front runner in the Joan Knows Comedy Contest. Please read about my very funny friend and VOTE for her! She's doing big things!

And don't forget to BUY your tickets to the April 20th 8pm show at the Albany Airport Hotel! $10! Food and Drink Specials! The Everyday Living Raffle and a whole lot of FUNNY! I have tickets so hit a sista up! Luv's Delivery is at your service!

Joan Knows Comedy Contest - Jennifer McMullen

Jennifer McMullen in the Times Union

What Are, "Things You Don't Say To A Comedian!"

1.Make me laugh...
2.That ain't funny...
3.That was funny, but listen to this...
4.Anybody can do stand up...
5.My cousin is real funny...
6. My son is real funny...
7. My daughter is real funny...
8. Everybody in my family is real funny...
9. I could've been a comedian...
10. Have you ever heard of....
11. I might come to your show...
12. You're kinda funny...
13. Oh, I didn't know you are a comedian...
14. Can I get a free ticket to your show...(free died ya dumbass)

15. You only won the contest because...
16. You were funnier last time...
17.You should let me write jokes for you...
18. Do you watch comedy shows...
19. You should go to my friends open mic...
20.Can you recommend a comedian to me for a party...
21. $5 for your DVD...
21.That was a joke...
22.That would've been funny if you said...
23. I saw a comedian last night who was real funny...
24.Are you funny all the time...(who in the %$^& is funny all the time)
25. I'll help you with your show for a small percent...

Miss WandaLuv at The Comedy Works!

I luv you

Luv's Laughing Ladies!

LuvMe for Valentine's Day!

Here are the Top 10 reasons you need LuvMe for Valentine's Day -

10. You ain't got no man...
9. Reading is fundamental...
8. It's $0.99 on Kindle...
7. It's better than a box of chocolates - you know what you're gonna get...
6. It's cheaper than sending flowers to yourself...
5.Starring in the Catfish V-Day Special isn't such a good thing...
4. Lance Armstrong isn't going to call like he said he would...
3. The Pope did not resign to be with you...
2. Uh, you ain't got no man...
And the Number 1 reason why you need LuvMe for Valentine's Day -

Because Everybody Needs A Little Luv!

Get LuvMe TODAY via Amazon Kindle!

Dear Diary

June 18, 2007

I’ve always wanted one of those dark chocolate men.  The kind of darkness that makes you wonder if the skin hurts.  The hue almost has a purple bluish tint, but it eludes this shade.  Some women like the high colored man, yellow, a red bone that is close enough to white as a black person can get.  Something about the dark is sexy to me. Doing it in the dark is stimulating, warm, and cozy.  Even with the lights off the world can see a light man do his thing. But a dark man – umph, mysterious deep heat surrounds him. I want to get sexually tingled by his warmth.

Although his luv to me is still a mystery, his appearance is something that I know very well. He’s sexy. That’s all my eyes can see about him. A sexy man that I want to explore.  I don’t want to talk. I want to lick him, to smell him, to squeeze him into my heart and make him luvme.

Staring at someone each time you see them and not saying a word so simple like, hello, is called visual stalking. A court date was calling my name each time I saw him. Moisture always evades my throat making my voice hard, which gave it the right to disobey my non-existent command to open. One day I plan to take him – to tear his clothing from his body and own all that he was born with.

The bow of his legs, the spread of his back, ooh, his deep brown ass has to be my glory. Last week I saw him in a form fitting tee shirt. Women rave over a six-pack. His is a quarter of a keg. A six-pack fills you up, but a keg puts you out. A man’s keg tears you down and makes you beg for forgiveness in tongues. That’s what I want. I want for him to finish with me – just use me, and make me walk like a three-legged dog, or hop like a one-legged frog. I want to whimper and still await his return.

What I have is more than a simple crush. It’s a luv sickness that consumes me. My stomach flips, my eyes flutter, and I have nearly fainted when he passes. He changes his cologne often and each time the scent pulls me closer to him. He is the leader of my mind. My nostrils inhale him deeper and deeper until a passionate confusion kisses me. This dark man was meant to luvme.

My body is not that of a perfect ten. No woman’s is. Everyone has something that does “it” for them. I have breasts that will fit his hands. Ass that he can palm, lips that he will kiss, and legs that he will wrap around his neck and back, and hold onto as he sucks me into his darkness.

He has a woman. My jealously is hard to contain. I smile occasionally at her when I see her. The truth is I hate her. She does “it” for him. He never looks my way. I’ve tried a few things to get him to notice me. If I’m allowed the chance to walk in front of him I switch my ass up a notch. My skirts have gotten shorter, and the lip colors that I wear I imagine he knows will coat his shaft nicely. Yellow and blue make green, red and blue make purple, and my color of bronze brown and his black make luv.

I want what they have together. Realizing that if I had him he wouldn’t luvme the same as he luvs her is what keeps me away. What they share is special. She is lucky and she knows it. Sometimes she flaunts it. Hell, I would parade that beautiful back man, too.

Right now I can see his lips taking her nipple into his mouth…umph, all I can do is imagine that it is I who was in her place. He pleases her, she pleases him, and they are satisfied together. Doing it in color is delicious - doing it in his dark is sweet heaven.

For now I have to obey the rules of their relationship. I know she has laid down the law with him. She has told him that he belongs to her. I would tell him that if he were mine. He will never look my way. He will never look at any woman and desire her as long as she has him.

Still I wonder -- if I were she, would he luvme? 

*************

Dating Wanda!

Dating Wanda will be the next release from Miss Luv's Books! It's a compilation of short stories taken from the comedy routines of me - Miss WandaLuv! Get ready to be thoroughly entertained! Stay in the know with excerpts and the release date at my website , Wanda D. Hudson And please sign the guestbook before you go!

Pass the Extinguisher Please!

Yesterday was the 2nd Inauguration of  President Barack Obama! YAY! What a beautiful day in most neighborhoods. It was also the day the nation has chosen to recognize the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr. YAY! He was actually born on January 15th, though.  Hmmm, one day I'll change my birthday, too. I'm a March baby, but I've always wanted a Summer birthday. July 8th get ready!

Although I enjoyed the bulk of the Inauguration festivities you know you can't please everybody. Usually, as big as my mouth is I try to remain quiet when I don't get it or don't agree - everything isn't for everybody, anyway. Creativity is a beautiful thing and I love to see different forms of expression. Creative beings are a blessing is what I believe. As long as no one gets hurt express yo'self! Unfortunately, people do get hurt. Hurt feelings, emotions and if fools go to far with it, body parts.

Alicia Keys. In my opinion Alicia Keys can tickle the ivory's with the best of them. She can write lyrics that make folks like me think they can win a Grammy. But, er, uh, her singing? Naw, Alicia, naw. Being a hit or miss singer is so not a good thing.

The song, Girl On Fire, is already beyond annoying. I get the lyrics - maybe its because Alicia can't sing. If it ain't broke don't fix it. If it's to' up, throw that shit in the garbage, the non-recycle bin, just get rid of it. Obama's On Fire? Obama's On Fire? WHAT? What the hayle? That child done lost her mind!

Okay...The 2nd Inauguration of the 1st Black President - History. He's black and he got up in the White House twice - History.  It happened on Martin Luther King Jr.'s holiday - History. The history that led up to yesterday - Historic. I saw an interview with  two Freedom Fighters. People went down to Mississippi in 1961 to help register folks to vote. Some of them didn't return home. Obama's On Fire?

So many people went to see him being sworn in because their great-great parent's who were born into slavery couldn't. They carried stories of courage and determination with them to get to this moment and this child screams Obama's On Fire? Burning strange fruit swung from trees. Does she know how many people actually want to set President Obama on fire?

"He's living in a world and it's on fire...filled with catastrophe, but he knows he can find a way...everybody knows Michelle is his girl...together they run the world...ooooooooooooooohhhhooooooohhhhhoooooo('-')

Huh? Is she talking about the leader of the free world? The President of The United States? Together they run the world? This has gotta be some nursery rhyme,  Superman little boy tightey whitey draws stuff. STUPID.

Getting down to Nelly's, It's Gettin' Hot In Here is one thing. Obama's On Fire? Drop it like its hot or even The Ohio Players song Fire brought the heat without burning somebody up. Telling someone you're gonna light their ass up could mean they were about to catch a serious beat down or they were going to beat their meat down. Still, Obama's On Fire? Dayum...

"But, Wanda, her song was cute."
"Cute? His daughters writing that when they were 5 on a personal birthday card to him is cute. Ain't nothing cute about a grown woman singing that for the entire world to hear."
"Is it because you don't like the song?"
"That plus it was stupid."

President Obama has a LONG fours years ahead of him. Every decision he makes will be scrutinized and picked apart. I voted for him and will support him. Its going to rough dealing with all the battles from the outside, there's no need to start trouble at home. Folks already have issues with it being black people day in the first place. Racism is still running a marathon and isn't tired yet. Obama's On Fire? Pass the Extinguisher Please!

I luv you

PS - And why didn't Al Green sing, Let's Stay Together? That would've been hot! Oh, sorry, not On Fire hot, but very nice.

If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth!

The problem with the world is simple - people are liars. Straight out the box pull my draws down and kiss my ass liars. We should say what we mean because me mean it. Not because its what the other person wants us to hear. Why must we continue to portray ourselves as something that we're clearly not? I just don't get it...

There's a company that offers free business cards. People order the cards and make up a title to put on it just to get the free cards. Why? Ain't nobody thinking about yo' dumb ass like that! Get over yourself fool! Pretending as a child with imaginary friends is fine - pretending as an adult with grown folk will get your ass beat, stomped and talked about for the idiot that you're pretending to be.

I know you're asking yourself why all the hostility. I mean, we're more than waist deep in the season to love thy neighbor, right? Well, if you know me then you know childcare has ALWAYS been an issue. People are not reliable, they want millionaire money or they're simply lazy. There is a solution for every problem - stop relying on the wrong people; family included.

There are websites that list reliable people. Reliable I say because the people listed on the website chose to place themselves there. No one asked for their services - they volunteered without hesitation. Okay, here's a quick rundown -

1 Checked ol' girlie out and she seemed right for the job.
2.Background check completed - YAY no blemishes!
3.Ol' girlie met with me and my child - perfect match!
4. First child care date set
5. The day arrives - no call/no show
6. Huh?
7. No call/no show
8. What?
9. No call/no show
10.


Now why would you advertise yourself and go through all the motions to say you're something you're not? If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth! Why? Oh, let me make a small correction. Sending a text is the thing to do these days, so after I placed a call to her when she was 15 minutes late and the call went dead, she sent a text.

"I'm runimg a little late I been trying to contact yu all day I cam only txt I broke my phone"

Uh, yea, everybody can't spell but what the hail? A good 16 hours had preceded us without a call or text. Really? Heffa...

My anger comes from the fact that Dasia had gotten two bowls of popcorn ready and two Capri Sun juices so they could begin their movie watching marathon. Standing me up - fine. Standing up my child? Oh, yo' ass is about'ta catch a serious yo name is Toby beatin'!

The night ended well because a reliable sitter came at the last minute in her place. Alas, the popcorn was not wasted after all. But look a-here, if you say you're a Hairdresser be a Hairdresser. Don't have people coming to you and all you can do is one style from the 80's. If you say you're a Dentist, be a Dentist  Don't get down with yours Doctor Giggles style. If you say you're a Publicist, Promoter, Marketer, Agent, blah, blah, blah - be it dammit! Bragging that you have a Facebook page...mutha'&%$#% alot of people have a Facebook  page. Who cares about your wanna be insignificant ass?

The people that are making it happen are making it happen. Riding coattails, running your mouth, and trying to live like the Jones's is old and tired. Besides, the Jones's went bankrupt. We say you are what you eat. Some folks must eat a daily dose of shit. We're on the tip on a New Year. Resolve to do better. Resolve to be better. Talking loud and saying nothing is so over. Click your heels 3 times and repeat after me, If You Speaketh, Yo' Ass Iseth. No what were you saying?

I luv you

Holiday Party Advice!

1. If you’re the office single sexy woman don’t bother going to the party. You’ll start out being the single man’s ho and by the end of the night they’ll have a price tag on you.
2. If you’re the office bow wow Betty go! You might get a pity dance.
3. If your spouse/partner is a recovering alcoholic go alone.  Free liquor equals relapse.
4. If you never speak to a certain person you work with don’t start at the party. Tis ain’t the season for an awkward friendship.
5. Do not stand over the food table and eat. Make a plate and go sit down – don’t look like a pig at a trough.
6. If an email invite or flyers were given out about the party and you didn't get one…don’t ask. There is always one person who isn't liked in the office – welcome to your life.
7. If you don’t drink don’t try anything just because it’s the party. Ho…Ho…Ho…
8. Don’t ask your boss for a raise during the festivities. Happy New Year ain’t so happy with a pink slip…
9. Stay in your role. If you’re the mail clerk or the receptionist don’t try to get in with the higher ups. You are equal to no one.
10. If you can’t dance don’t. You’ll still be a fool the next day.
11. If you've been losing weight to wear a special outfit don’t wear it. They’ll smile in your face and call you a fatass doink behind your back.
12. If you say, "I love you, man!" Go home! You’re drunk and you will NEVER redeem yourself.
13. Don't take alot of food home. Being labeled The Office Greedy Bastard isn't good for a promotion.
14. Don't suggest games to play or Karaoke. No points for being the office kiss ass will be awarded.
15. If someone starts choking don't try to save them. Call 911 immediately! If they die it's your fault - if they live, they'll get tired of thanking you throughout the year and will find a way to get yo ass fired.

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Last week media mogul Wendy Williams, or some may beg to differ and say Wendell Williams, made a rude comment that R&B singer Beyonce talks like she has a 5th grade education. Hmmmm...does her opinion say that there's something wrong with having a 5th grade education? Wasn't there a show called Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader where most of the adults weren't? Uh, exactly what were you saying, Wendy?

My daughter is in the 4th grade and comes home with math problems that I have to think about a few times before coming to the correct answer. Who does Albegra in the 4th grade? Hell, I don't use Algebra in my adult life. Does that mean I have a 3rd grade education?

A few websites posted Wendy's opinion which led to many other opinions, which led to mine. One person agreed with Wendy and added Beyonce can't talk and you can tell by her dumb song lyrics with all the OOOO's and grunting noises. Huh?

If song lyrics are any indication of intelligence most singers must be ig'nant.

Alicia Keyes -
No One - Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhh....
Girl On Fire - Oooooooooh, oooooooooh, ooooooooh, ooooooooh....

Lenny Williams -
Cause I  Love You - Ohh, ooohhh, oooohh, ooooohh...

Michael Jackson -
Wanna Be Starting Something - ma ma se , ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa...('-')

Gina Thompson/Missy Elliot -
The Things You Do  - Pizzzow, Gomer be my Pyle like Sha-zam...hee hee hee hee how hee hee hee hee hee hee how...('-')

PSY -
Gangnam Style - Eh- sexy lady...oppan gang namseutayil o-oo-o...WTH? ('-')

Okay, I gotta stop or else this post will be labeled to be continued. I know Wendy Williams is a talker and a gossip lover. Why this particular comment from here irritated me so much I don't know. I do watch her show at times and applaud her for being successful in a tough business  Maybe it's because I'm a talker and I know that everybody doesn't speak well in public.  Folks get nervous. Yea Beyonce gets on stage and gets it IN, but maybe she has issues articulating things one on one. She didn't have any problem articulating to Jay Z. I don't see a problem there at all - just ask Blue Ivy. She dayum sure didn't have a problem articulating anything to Pepsi. 50 Million Dollars? Yea, that girl is definitely running her world!

The average 5th grader knows technology much better than I do.  They're honest with their words having not yet been tarnished by adults who are out for self so walk over your fellow man. If talking like a 5th grader will get  me a Grammy, millions of records sold, a hard working man and a future that I can't begin to comprehend because its so magnificent than in the words of Biz Markie, so go up your nose with a finger or two, and pull out one or a crusty crew...Pickin' Boogers...('-')

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Wendy, girl, how you doin'?

I luv you

Watch Out TV Land!

I was the guest host on The New 16, a local channel here in Albany NY. I didn't realize how cute I look on TV and took a few pictures! I might have to re-think my choice of a radio career - I don't want the world to hear my voice and miss out on all the rest of Miss Luv!

Kelly and Michael better watch out - Jim Steele and Miss Luv are coming for you!

I luv you